


Stayin' up

by apatia



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Add more later - Freeform, Angst, Caring Lance, Comfort/Angst, Homesickness, Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Nightmares, Orphan Keith (Voltron), POV Keith (Voltron), Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), lance is a good boy, zalgo text
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-19 23:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11908419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apatia/pseuds/apatia
Summary: It didn’t matter anymore how many families he changed or how many kilometers he had to travel to reach his next temporary home. It didn’t matter what the voices told him.Space was the one familiar thing no matter where he went.





	Stayin' up

Back on Earth, Space had felt like the closest thing to home for Keith.  
His first years in foster care had been hard. With every new temporary house he was sent to, the hole in the middle of his chest felt a little bigger, a little deeper. His many foster parents’ faces were a blur in his memory, as if his thoughts were made of paint and something kept smearing it before it dried completely, mixing the colors together.  
Some had been bad and were painted in a deep dark color in his mind’s eye, some others had been gentle and caring and treated him right, their faces replaced by a soft blue hue.  
No matter how loving they seemed to be, however, he was always too angry, always _too much_ for them to handle.  
  
Time after time he fought back the urge to scream as his foster parents told him he couldn’t stay with them anymore, kept his mouth shut as he followed the social worker outside and pretended the gaping hole in his heart didn’t hurt as much as it did. Pretended he didn’t hear the whispers in his head.

_< **Told you so, they never cared about you**_ _>_

Over-

_< **You don’t belong here** >_

\- and over-

< _ **Nobody cares** > _

\- and over-

_< **Nobody ever will** >_

\- again.

At night, when the voices became too loud, drowning out every other thought, Keith used to push himself out of bed and sneak out of his room, wandering aimlessly around the house. He always made sure not to make any noise, opting for looking at family portraits and books.

One of his foster moms had had a penchant for literature. The small apartment was filled to the brim with books, lined up neatly on various bookshelves scattered around the house. Keith would leaf through them for hours on end, reading notes written in the corners or highlighted sentences.

He sat cross-legged on the wooden floor of her studio one night, holding a small flashlight in one hand and scanning the books with the other when something caught his eye.  
Among all the books, a paperback one stood out the most, its cover well-loved. A bright red bookmark sat between its pages, pointing out one single quote.

[ _We're all under the same sky and walk the same earth; we're alive together during the same moment._ ]

It struck a chord in Keith’s heart. He held the paperback between trembling fingers, reading those words again and again, blinking back tears. 

He committed them to memory, mumbling them under his breath, making sure he would remember them even with his eyes closed, when the voices became too loud and angry.

Ever since that night, he started visiting the local public library every day after school, holing himself up in the science section. He voraciously consumed book after book, learning everything he could find, slowly falling in love with space.

[ _We're all under the same sky_ ]

Those words became his mantra.  
He would repeat them as the whispers screamed he didn’t belong anywhere, as he boarded the plane to reach his nth foster house, as the other kids snickered behind his back because he didn’t have parents to cheer for him at sports events. 

He used them to fill and stitch the hole in his chest closed, centimeter by centimeter. 

It didn’t matter anymore how many families he changed or how many kilometers he had to travel to reach his next temporary home. It didn’t matter what the voices told him.

Space was the one familiar thing no matter where he went.  
A sense of peace filled him every time he looked up at the night sky, his eyes easily spotting and tracing constellations as he whispered the name of each star under his breath.  
It made him feel like he belonged somewhere, making him forget even for a moment about the fear gnawing at his heart.

**\---**

Keith had quickly learned that, sometimes, life likes to take more than what it gives.

Rescuing his declared MIA mentor after looking for him for a year, climbing into the cockpit of a huge mechanical lion they found under a cave in the middle of the desert with three strangers and said mentor just to get wormholed to the other side of the universe and being told by an alien princess they were supposed to fight an intergalactic, thousand-years old war against purple aliens felt like someone had pulled the rug from under his feet. 

Almost as if life had taken a look at Keith and decided to take everything away from him.

Being a Paladin of Voltron turned out to be hard and potentially lethal. Danger was good, some dark part of his brain decided. He could forget about everything else, even pretend the darkness wasn’t pulling at the stitches, trying to swallow his heart whole.

**\---**

Keith managed to fool himself into believing training could somehow solve his every problem and, surprisingly enough, at first it did.

He started holing himself up in the training deck, knocking down one droid after the other, willing his mind to focus solely on the feeling of his bayard slashing through his opponents. He had little to no time to dwell on his feelings and when training didn’t cut it they were off freeing planets or gathering information.

He was on his way to the training deck when he caught sight of something out from the corner of his eye. He stopped dead in his track and turned around just in time to see Lance round a corner.  
Puzzled, he stared in the direction the Blue Paladin had disappeared, debating whether following him was a good idea or not.  
It wasn’t common to see Lance wandering around the Castle after lights-out, his teammate always going on about the importance of his beauty sleep and “how Keith could use some”.  
Curiosity piqued, Keith tailed after him, careful not to make any sound. He followed Lance down the Castle’s dimly lit hallways for what felt like hours and stopped just outside the observation deck’s doors.  
Keith slipped into the room a few ticks after Lance, ready to give him hell for being up when a faint sound reached his ears.

Lance sat cross-legged in front of the floor to ceiling windows, the Castle’s lights bathing his face in a soft blue hue. He looked deep in conversation as he played with his pajamas’ hem but no one was in there except for him and Keith.  
There was a softness to Lance’s voice, however, that made it obvious that he wasn’t talking to him. Keith didn’t want to dwell on the feeling that thought arose.  
Feeling like he was intruding on an intimate moment he stepped back, leaving the room as quietly as possible and making his way to the training deck. 

**\---**

The nightmares started soon after. 

At first Keith couldn’t remember dreaming at all. He woke up feeling tired, the uneasy feeling eating at him making his movements slower, less precise.  
Keith ignored the worried glances his teammates were throwing his way and stabbed the training droid square in the chest instead to prove them he was fine.

Then he started dreaming about his old bedrooms, empty except for a bright red rocketship figurine, sitting on the floor in the center of the room.

The dreams were, for a lack of a better word, static.  
Nothing ever happened, Keith stood perfectly still, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
He could feel something watching him, his instinct telling him to run, hide, _fight_ but there was nothing to run from. 

He was alone in a empty house.

**\---**

When Keith opened his eyes he knew he was dreaming but something felt off.

He was standing on a green doormat outside a two-story house, clutching the rocketship figurine in one hand.  
He blinked and slowly brought the toy closer to his face but froze when he caught sight of _someone._ Two figures were standing on the other side of the threshold, perfectly still. 

Keith could feel their eyes on him and he tensed up as his free hand unconsciously clenched into a fist at his side. He exhaled and kept his head low, refusing to meet their gaze.  
He could feel anger boiling up inside him and took deep, calming breaths as he waited for the words he knew were coming. 

Seconds stretched into a minute, then two but the only sound he could hear was the erratic beating of his heart.

He just had to keep waiting, Keith told himself, it was only a matter of time. He exhaled and stared at his shoes, tracing the seams with his eyes.

He waited and waited for what felt like an eternity and still no word came. He kept waiting until he was sure the figures had left and slowly lifted his head.

The breath hitched in his throat, escaping through his parted lips in a whimper.

A huge, inhuman grimace was carved on their faces, stretched impossibly large.  
They had no eyes or nose, their features blank except for that awful, misshaped smile and Keith wanted to bolt, to run as fast and far away as possible but he was frozen in place, his legs felt encased in stone.

Then the words came, sounding warped, slowed down, almost as if spoken underwater but still somehow clear.

< ** _We don’t care_** >

As if someone flipped a switch, the scene abruptly changed, the two-story house replaced by a small apartment. The tall figures were still there, standing between Keith and the entryway, smiling that same distorted smile. 

< ** _You don’t belong here_** >

Again. 

< ** _You are a nuisance_** >

And again.

< ** _We only cared about the money_** >

And again.

< ** _We don’t care about you_** >

And again.

< ** _Go away_** >

Tears obscured his vision as the scene kept changing at a breakneck speed, picking up pace, house after house, always different, the same figures before him, the voices louder and louder.

< **y̴o̵u̴ ̷n̸e̶v̴e̶r̴ ̶w̷e̸r̵e̴ ̶w̵e̷l̸c̶o̵m̸e̸ ̴h̷e̷r̷e̷** >

< **w̶e̷ ̴n̵e̴v̵e̵r̵ ̷c̸a̸r̵e̵d̴** >

< **n̴̢̮͝ȍ̵͇͘b̵̦̐o̶̗͝d̷͚̠̊y̸̻͑́ ̷̦́́ḽ̸̹̓̕o̷͚̦v̴͉̂̊e̴̮̜̓͝ṣ̶̺̈́̐ ̴̩͌͐y̵͔̒ͅö̴͍ụ̷̍** >

< **ẃ̸͓́̒͗̎e̸̩͕͚͛̂ ̸͍̠͕̈̇̔̈́̐͜h̴͈͕̹̟̗̄͘̚̕ȧ̴͙̠̱͗͐t̴͔͇̞̅̄ͅe̷̛̯͉̙͕͋̀͊ ̴̭̼̥̬̑͊͂y̶̖͖̗͛͠õ̴̬͎̻̼͈̎** u̵͍̝͍͑̋̑ͅ>

< **n̴̡̨̟̱̟̺̰̞̩͆̀̓̿͒̔͐̌̆͆͝ǫ̶̹͈͕̗͔̰̠̠̯̱̖̙̘̈̃͂̆ͅb̸̧̩͉̦̓̾̌̏̓̚ớ̴̫̣͔̬̘̎̃̌͐̿͝ḑ̷̢̨͕̭̭͈̺̹͚͚̗͖̠̼̭̔͜ẏ̷̛̪͖̮̮͈͗̌́͊͌͆̒ ̵̢̢̢̛̛̳͔͚̜̮̦͖̰̼̗͉̖̝͂͂̐͒͜͠͝ͅͅl̵̤̻͓͚͈̘̳̟̥̲͈̟̪͐̇́̽̈́͋̓̓̌̾̚͜͜o̶͉̬͒͋̾̊v̶̢̩̥̝͐̔̄́̈̌̑̂̅͘͝ę̴̛̲̣̬̥̘̣͉̰̹͈̹͈̱̺̓̄̆̽̉̈͂͜s̷̢̡͔͕̜̠̹̻̮̫̠͍͇͈̩͈͓̗̎͊̈́̓͗̃ͅ ̶̡͍̺̫͕͍̙̤̬̣̳̗̩̓̏̌̇̉̇̽͋͌̎̑̍͛̂̂͐y̵̡̧̡̡̨̢̛̛͚͚͇̺̠̖͇͈̰̩̙̲̔͂̿̀͐͑͒͛̄̄̅̔́̒̕ọ̷̙̼͖͚̪̇̿̌͂̒̅̀̏̚ư̷͇͑͒̌̇̒̆̂̌̈́̂͝͝** >

< **n̶̡̨̙̦̙̦̲͖̮̼̩͙̞̘̪͍̙̅̾͜͝o̶̙̫͔̼̲̫̣̒̅b̴̧̧̨̫̗̳̳̠̲͚͍̰͇̥͔̭̼̫͙̅̓̌́̎̐͜͝ơ̴̥̬̮̝̪̈̿͐͑͑̈́̆̌̿d̶̛̙̈́̒͊͂̿̊́͛̽̈́̑͒̅̊͘ỵ̶̧͖̱̋͊̐̿̓̋̕̚͘͝ ̶̧̨̛̹͎̔̈̽͗̈́̈̏͛͒̚͝͠c̵̡̛̯͎̘̜̱͉̪͉̩̳͉̼̅̅̇̆̇̓̐̒̔̆̕a̶̘̓͒̑͌̆̎͑͘͝ȓ̶͓̖͕̓̑̀͂͠e̵̛̩̳͑͊̓̎̊͌̓͛̓̾̈̒̒͋̄ş̵̺̩̞̭͕͇̪̹͖͖̻͍͉̝̰͖̥̖̠̊͋̿̾͂̍͛** >

< **ń̶̤̫̜͔̰̖͖͛͛̀͆̀͋́̅̔̊͌̐̔͒̊́̍̌̑͗̕̚͜ơ̵̡̩͎̝͎̞͇̪̣̺̗̤̝̱̘̫̹͓͇͔̙͈̜͉̝̦̎̒̏̃̈́̆̑͊̊͋̃̂̊̂̽̄̾̚̕͠͝b̶̧͙̤͔̘̮̘̞͈͕͍̦̼̦͓̹͔̝͍̗̻̙̖͈̣͑͋͐̎̈͋̌͜ő̴̡̹̱͓̪̟̱̹̪̠͚̣̄͝d̸̳͑̈̒͐͋͆̋͊̔̓̆̒͊̋͌̅̓͘͘͠ŷ̶̧̧̨̡̠͚̞͚͖̠̜͈͙̲̫̲͓̯̫͖̪̘̥̘͊͒͐͗̿͜͜ͅ ̵̢͖̩̺̣̖̀̔̿̈́̒̈́̈̎̈́̿̿̓̄̑͑̒͐̋̑̾̃̄̈́̕̚͝ç̷̧̻̩͇̈́̈͐̌̉a̴̢̢̹͙̫̰̘̩̪̩̦̼̠̝̠̳̮̯̗͂̒̀̈́̍̓̆̕͠͝ͅr̵̝̜̣̝̈̈ȩ̵̡̹̮̱͓̠̟̜̼͚̞̱̈́̏̃̐͑̃̅̒̄͊̄͑̂̓̂̇͌̕̚͝s̶̡̛̠̟̘̰͔̘͓͖̞͉͙̲̹̤̩͉͉̰̳̥̭̘̹̯̔̂̄͊̾̈̅̓̀̈̀̊͒̄̾̇͊̽̇́̑̈̀͘̕̕̚͜͜͝** >

  
  
The rocketship started dissolving in his grasp, turning into black, thick smoke.

Keith screamed. 

**\---**

Keith woke up with a start, panting and gripping the sheets. Clenching his eyes shut he waited for the panic to subside, focusing on the soft hum of the castle’s engine.

He could still hear the voices, screaming angrily, their words sharp and cutting like knives. He couldn’t remember them being this loud since long before the Garrison.  
He slowly opened his eyes, taking in the way the blue accent lights danced on his bunk’s walls.  
Pushing himself up into a sitting position he exhaled a long, shuddering breath, his gaze falling to his empty hand. Keith tried flexing his fingers one at a time. 

Laughter bubbled up in his throat, tasting bitter.  
He had stupidly thought he had left his past behind when he took off on Blue, somehow even managed to ignore the nearly constant buzzing at the back of his mind.  
The whispering had been easy to tune out, swallowed by Red’s unwavering presence, a solid kind of comfort he was immensely grateful for. However, not even his Lion could ward off the nightmares. 

Keith slowly dragged himself out of bed and down the hallway, letting his legs carry him. He paid no mind to his surroundings, relying on muscle memory and didn’t realize where he was heading until he found himself just outside the observation deck.

He stopped a few meters from the door, eyebrows furrowed, staring at it in confusion. An image of Lance sitting on the floor against a backdrop of stars flashed in his mind’s eye for a brief moment, catching him off guard.  
Reluctantly, Keith took a step forward, keeping his gaze down. As the automatic door closed behind him he looked up, exhaling a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.  
The room was eerily silent and, much to his surprise, empty.  
He had almost expected to see Lance again, sitting crisscrossed in the middle of the room. Keith squashed down what felt a lot like disappointment and strode forward, standing close to the windows.

The stars looked so close, enough for Keith to feel like he could graze them with his fingertips. A sudden wave of dizziness washed over him and he averted his eyes, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. 

«Keith?»

Startled, he whipped his head around, hand flying toward his belt. Standing in the doorway was Lance, clad in his pajamas and lion slippers, eyes wide and staring right at him. He looked caught off guard, clearly not having expected to find Keith there of all places.  
His gaze fell to the hand where Keith was gripping the hilt of his inactive bayard.  
Keith let go and crossed his arms protectively over his chest. He hadn’t heard Lance enter the room.

«Uh...» he answered, very eloquently. He couldn’t find his voice all of a sudden. _Say something, dammit._

«Sorry, I didn’t- I can leave...» Lance trailed off, taking a step back towards the door. He was halfway out of the room when Keith finally found his voice again. 

«Wait»

Lance stopped, turning around and looking at him for a few ticks. Then, slowly, as if approaching a wild animal, he made his way towards him. He must have heard the panic lacing Keith’s voice because he didn’t comment on Keith’s admittedly weird behavior and just sat down.  
Keith followed a moment later, glancing at his teammate.

Up close, he could see the dark circles marring the skin under his eyes or the way his shoulders were slightly hunched. Lance was staring out of the windows with a sort of faraway look in his eyes and Keith, just like the last time, felt like he was intruding in a private moment.  
He willed himself to look away from the Blue Paladin, opting for staring at his shoes.

«Not in the mood for kicking some droid’s ass tonight?» Lance suddenly asked, shooting him an half smile. Keith shrugged, not really knowing what to say.  
He didn’t feel in the mood for their usual banter. Lance simply hummed in response, letting silence fall over them again. Lance shifted, pulling his legs to his chest. 

«I like to come here when I can’t sleep» Lance’s voice suddenly sounded small. When Keith looked over at him he was fiddling with his slippers’ ears. Was Lance trying to make conversation? Keith hesitated, gaze falling to his knee. 

«I saw you here, the other day» he said after a few ticks.  
He wasn’t sure if that had been the right thing to say and he dared to glance at Lance and promptly winced. The Blue Paladin looked startled, hand hovering awkwardly in midair.

_Shit, bad move._  
Keith tried racking his brain to find _anything_ to say when a breathy laugh broke him out of his reverie. 

«O-oh. Yeah. Well...» Lance laughed again almost sheepishly «Caught red handed, huh?» he exhaled through his nose, tilting his head back toward the ceiling. He went quiet, looking thoughtful for a moment. 

«I was talking to my mom» he spoke quietly and started playing with his slippers again.  
Keith blinked and opened his mouth to say but Lance interrupted him before he had the change to say anything.

«I know, it sounds stupid, right? But...» he trailed off, scratching the back of his neck «It feels like she’s here, ya know? Like she can hear me somehow. I used to call her everyday and tell her about my day back at the Garrison.»

Lance had curled up into himself, pulling at the hem of one of his pants legs. Keith averted his eyes, throat suddenly feeling tight.  
A heavy kind of silence fell over the room and Keith, albeit sometimes bad at reading social cues knew it was his turn to say something. He found himself hesitating again, the small voice in his head telling him that acknowledging his problem was a mistake but not saying anything after what Lance had told him just didn’t sit right with him.

Keith swallowed hard, finally looking outside. He took a deep breath as the uneasiness washed over him again. 

«I had a nightmare» 

Lance raised his head and kept quiet, a clear sign Keith had his full attention. He didn’t try to force him to talk even when it took him several ticks to find his voice again.

«When I was little I used to watch the stars a lot» he said, his gaze transfixed «I would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and go outside just to see if I could spot any constellation. I never stayed in one place for too long so the night sky was the only... familiar thing, no matter where I went. It felt like home» he paused, looking at Lance. 

This was probably the most Keith had ever spoken in front of him but he didn’t care, _couldn’t_ care, not when the panic was taking hold of him again.

«Up here, I- I feel lost. There are so many stars out there but I don’t recognize any of them. It may sound rude but I get it when you say you miss Earth, Lance. I really do. Not like you or Hunk, but...» 

He trailed off, taking a moment to simply look at Lance who was fully facing him now. Keith gathered the last bit of courage he had left, exhaling. 

«I miss Earth, too»

Lance stared at him for what felt like an eternity.  
As time ticked by dread started creeping up on him and Keith thought that maybe he went too far and made things weird.  
Then Lance’s expression shifted, setting into what Keith could only identify as determination and stood up, extending an hand to him. At Keith’s puzzled look Lance huffed and grabbed his arm, pulling him up with a grunt. He shoot him a grin as he began dragging him out of the observation deck, his hand sliding down to grip at Keith’s wrist.

He found himself trailing behind Lance, who was striding forward with purpose, dragging an increasingly more confused Keith down unfamiliar hallways. When he tried asking Lance where the _hell_ were they headed he got shushed with a tug on his wrist.  
They rounded a corner and walked down a narrow corridor, lit only by the blue light shining through the weird markings on the walls. 

The door slid open without a sound and Lance led them inside a huge, circular room. They walked down the catwalk and stopped in front of a holographic projector.  
Keith stared at it in confusion for a few ticks, then it clicked.

«Is this...» 

«The holo deck? Yup. Coran brought me here a couple times before» he said, releasing his wrist and making his way to the projector «It took forever but it’s all nice and clean now» he grinned and turned his back to Keith. 

«I also asked Allura to teach me how to work this thing»

With a flash of light the room started morphing before his eyes, slowly fading into something from Lance’s memories. Keith blinked to adjust his vision to the new environment and froze, eyes going wide.

Dark waves washed ashore in an almost tranquil fashion, crashing gently on the sandy, moonlit beach that seemed to stretch for kilometers on end.  
The ground felt soft under Keith’s boots and he knelt down, picking up a fistful of sand, watching it run through his fingers.  
If he didn’t know any better he would have sworn it was real. Lance’s memories where so detailed and vivid it was hard to believe it was all an illusion.

Lance stood next to him with his eyes closed and a serene expression on his face, enjoying the gentle breeze. He slowly opened his eyes and caught Keith staring but before he could avert his eyes he pointed upwards, waiting for Keith to look up.  
The breath hitched in his throat at the sight of the sky, clear and dotted with thousands of tiny stars, almost as detailed as the beach itself. 

«I bet I wasn’t as obsessed with space as you were but I got a couple nice memories up here» he broke into a grin, tapping at his temple, his voice so soft it nearly got lost in the sound of crashing waves.

«Why are you doing this?» he asked after a moment, his tone harsher than intended. Lance shot him a look before turning his gaze toward the water.

«You said looking at the stars back on Earth felt like home. I just figured you’d like to see them again. You can ask Allura to transfer your memories to this baby if you don’t like the beach»

A completely different kind of uneasiness washed over him at Lance’s tone.  
He sounded almost hesitant, his enthusiasm sounding fake to Keith’s ears. Alarms were blaring in his head, the voices screaming at him to do something, anything, _now_.

«It’s not stupid» he almost yelled it in his attempt to push away the panic. Lance turned his head to look at Keith with a puzzled frown.

«Wha-»

«Talking to your mom. It’s not stupid» he interrupted, repeating himself before he lost his nerve. 

Lance looked surprised, his eyes searching his face for a moment before he schooled his expression back. His shoulders relaxed and he flopped down next to Keith with a grunt, a small smile gracing his lips. Keith exhaled slowly as the tightness eased in his chest and sat in a more comfortable position.

They sat together on the sand with their heads tilted back until the fake sun broke the horizon, breaking the silence only to point out the stars as they traveled through the dark sky, talking in hushed tones.

«Thanks» Keith said on their way back toward their rooms. 

Lance flashed him a soft, honest smile «Anytime, buddy»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo-hoo here i come to ruin your day
> 
> Y'ALL IT'S 4AM AND IM TIRED AF this is my first contribution to this fandom and as per usual im giving you mild angst (and nightmares?? srlsy?) this is also my first attempt at creative writing using english since it's not my first language. if you find any mistakes please lemme know ;3;/
> 
> im working on part two and im puMPED
> 
> hmu @fl3urdumal on twitter if you wanna scream about vld with me ;^) 
> 
>  
> 
> ((((i keep using the nbhd song titles as titles for my works and im not ashamed)))


End file.
